Separation, March 2011

Not a very happy update.

After struggling with her addiction for quite some time now, my wife has finally decided that she no longer wants to be with us. She asked for a separation.

On January 16, 2011, only four days before my 45th birthday, we again discovered she was back on drugs. After a very stressful two days of hysterics, we were able to settle down and I gave Nat yet another chance to stay clean.

On February 20, 2011, only four days before Little Nio's fourth birthday, we noticed that she was once again high on crystal methamphetamine. We were supposed to go visit the dentist for a cleaning following several days of complaining about a toothache. In hindsight, this may be more than just a toothache but the onset of a case of what is commonly known as "meth mouth".

I got home from overtime site visit work that day to pick both mother and son to go straight to Yanhee Hospital, where they have a very good dental department. My intention was to go for a cleaning myself and show Little Nio that going to the dentist can be a fun and exciting experience.

However, as soon as she got into the back seat of the car, I noticed all the telltale signs and I confronted her with the question. She denied that she was back on drugs, but within ten minutes she admitted that she was on drugs and she didn't care what I thought about it. When I said that we should go to a hospital, She refused and threatened to jump out of the car in the slow moving traffic. I calmed her down and said that we would all go out to dinner and that we would talk later on at home. I needed her to calm down so that she wouldn't upset our son, and so she wouldn't do anything that might lead to an accident where someone might get hurt.

She settled down, but even with the earbuds on, you could still hear the bad pop music blaring from her battered iPod nano. Her head was down, bouncing erratically to the beat of the music. I knew she wouldn't pay attention to where we were going next, so I changed direction and drove off to Sri Thanya Hospital. This is a government run hospital with a psychiatric ward. She has been to this hospital on four previous occasions, the first of which was on November 2, 2009.

I remember that it was raining that night. Not heavily, but enough that I had to get the umbrella out when we parked. Umbrella in one hand and leading our son across the road holding my other hand, I had no way to shepherd Nat up to the hospital lobby. As soon as she got out of the car and found her bearings, she exploded into an angry tirade. "Why did you bring me here!", was her howling lament. I explained that she needed some medical help, and that we would only get a sedative to calm her down.

My attention was divided between keeping Little Nio calm, convincing my wife to come up into the lobby and speaking to the hospital staff who had come out to see what the commotion was all about. In the end, I brought Little Nio up into the lobby out of the rain, and slowly explained to the hospital staff that I needed help with my wife. I asked them if they could gently bring her into the hospital emergency psychiatric ward for attention. One male orderly agreed to do so, but as soon as Nat saw him emerging from the lobby doors, she briskly walked away in the light rain.

By that time it was quite dark already, almost 7:00 in the evening. We walked over to a uniformed supervisor and explained to him our predicament. I described her as a thin young woman, with long hair, wearing a white sweater with black stripes and jeans. I don't know if it took them two minutes or twenty minutes, but I saw a number of hospital staff follow in the same general direction Nat took when she left. One of them was on a motorcycle. Time passed and Little Nio and I kept watch by the main doors anxiously peering out into the dark.

One of the hospital staff came up to me and said that they had found a woman who fit the description, and he asked us to follow him around the side of the main building down to the back loading area. Sure enough my wife was there surrounded by several male staff members dressed in hospital white and deep olive green for the security guards. She was sitting on a grassy patch on the kerbside leading into the loading area. Her limbs were splayed out in an odd angle and she was sobbing hysterically. My first concern was that they might have hurt her, but they reassured me that no one had touched her. Little Nio had started crying at this time, but I quickly reassured him that everyone present was here to help his mommy.

We eventually got her on her feet and one of the orderlies gently helped lead her back to the main entrance lobby to the emergency psychiatric ward. She was still wailing and sobbing, crying out in a hoarse voice, accusingly, "why did you bring me here?". Each time she raised her voice one of the senior security staff would tell her in a low stern tone to keep her voice down.

They settle her down onto a wooden bench with built in restraints, but I ask that they not tie her down. She is too weak and disoriented to get up and go anywhere, so one of the security men simply sits beside the only exit doors. Little Nio and I struggle with their admissions desk to establish who she is and what she is doing here. My Thai is conversational and ill equipped to explain what is going on and what needs to be done. I can neither read nor write in Thai, making me technically illiterate, which makes things all the more challenging.

It takes more than an hour, going back and forth with phone calls to Nat's family trying to speak directly with the hospital admissions staff. Finally, I pull out the calendar on my iPhone and help their staff in the records section trace back her case folder. We've recovered her records, but now there is no doctor available at the emergency ward and I have been told that the doctor on duty is doing the night rounds.

By this time, Little Nio is starting to get hungry. I leave my mobile phone number with the hospital staff and explain that we are going someplace nearby so that I can feed my son. They are very understanding and reassure us that Nat will be in good hands.

I have no experience in this neighborhood at all, so I am very grateful that I invested in a Garmin GPS. I do a search for nearby shopping areas and restaurants and successfully find a familiar mall nearby, Big C. They are bound to have some safe decent parking areas under roof and more importantly some decent food. We arrive there and Little Nio wants to eat at McDonald's. So much for decent food, but he's been through a lot already and I decide to cater to the whim and give in to his request. We finish our meal and do a little window shopping when my phone rings. It is the hospital and they want us back.

We return to the hospital and my wife is calmly sitting in the waiting area and there are a couple of women doctors finally prepared to discuss her case. We go over the history of her case and review recent events. I am as open and as honest as I can be about everything. My narrative is as objective as possible, limited to what has happened and I try very carefully not to color this with my interpretations of events.

The more senior doctor shares with me that my wife's addiction may only be a symptom of something even deeper. She tries to get more of a history of her childhood, but I can only relate what little my wife has shared of her past growing up. Again, it is difficult to tell the doctor about what has actually happened and separate it from my wife's interpretation or my own. However, the truth of the doctor's statement rings true — the substance abuse may be only a symptom of a deeper problem that has its roots in her childhood.

It is almost 9:00 in the evening. We are all very tired. Little Nio is worn out and the novelty of the misadventure mixed with the excitement of what has transpired is wearing thin. The woman doctor advises me that it is best that my wife is confined at Sri Thanya hospital and asks me for permission to do so. I tell her that it is not my decision alone, but should be something that my wife or my sister-in-law, Pa Kut, can agree to. Obviously my wife does not want to be confined, but after a phone conversation between Pa Kut and the doctor it is decided that Nat should be confined for a few days.

I pay for a confinement period of only three days, which later on gets extended to two weeks. Nat is eventually confined from Sunday evening, 20-Feb-2011 until Saturday, 05-Mar-2011.

From the main building the male intern walks my wife to the female dormitory, which is a five minute walk to the back area of the hospital compound, over to a cluster of low rise buildings. He is able to convince Nat that she is only going to go get a check up and an x-ray. Little Nio and I follow behind them along poorly lit cracked sidewalks and cheap terrazzo corridors.

When we get to the common ward a young nurse patiently reviews the history of my wife's case yet again. The male intern leaves us. We are sitting outside the building in a corridor with a makeshift reception desk and the mosquitoes are coming to feast. My patience has all but vanished, but I am too exhausted to loose my temper. Besides the young nurse is pretty, pleasant and polite. She is only doing her job, so I play along and go through the entire question and answer routine yet again. We sit under the sterile glow of bad fluorescent lighting as Little Nio grows more and more impatient and frustrated. He is momentarily distracted by the nurses' pet pug who peeks out of one of the windows near their faux admissions area.

Another group of more senior and formidable female nurses usher my wife into the ward interiors. They explain to Nat that she needs to put on hospital clothing for the x-rays to work properly and all her belongings will be returned later on. This was the very last time I saw my wife. They emerge not ten minutes later with all of my wife's material possessions complete, including her clothes and wedding ring, all in a small bundle stuffed into a white plastic bag.

I shell out another one thousand baht for Nat to use as a living allowance fund, just in case she needs to purchase personal toiletries or snacks. This is the same allowance system used up in the Khon Kaen rehab center.

The pretty nurse guides us back towards the main parking lot. Little Nio is asking me questions about his mother, and I try to explain as best as I can. "Mommy did something bad and now she is very sick. She cannot stay with us because the doctor said she needs to get better first". He asks me if his mommy is bad and I say, "no, your mommy is not bad, but she chooses to do bad things".

We drive home.

Lupang Hinirang, February 2011

The Philippine national anthem is something that I would like to teach our son, Antonio, in order to preserve a part of his Filipino heritage. In researching to obtain a copy of the lyrics, I came across the original version in Spanish (c. 1899) and also the familiar present version (c. 1958). I was surprised to discover that there was also a 1943 and a 1948 version.

----------------------------

Tierra adorada,
hija del sol de Oriente,
su fuego ardiente
en ti latiendo está.

Tierra de amores,
del heroísmo cuna,
los invasores
no te hollarán jamás.

En tu azul cielo, en tus auras,
en tus montes y en tu mar
esplende y late el poema
de tu amada libertad.

Tu pabellón que en las lides
la victoria iluminó,
no verá nunca apagados
sus estrellas ni su sol.

Tierra de dichas, de sol y amores
en tu regazo dulce es vivir;
es una gloria para tus hijos,
cuando te ofenden, por ti morir.

----------------------------

Bayang magiliw,
Perlas ng Silanganan
Alab ng puso,
Sa Dibdib mo'y buhay.

Lupang Hinirang,
Duyan ka ng magiting,
Sa manlulupig,
Di ka pasisiil.

Sa dagat at bundok,
Sa simoy at sa langit mong bughaw,
May dilag ang tula,
At awit sa paglayang minamahal.

Ang kislap ng watawat mo'y
Tagumpay na nagniningning,
Ang bituin at araw niya,
Kailan pa ma'y di magdidilim,

Lupa ng araw ng luwalhati't pagsinta,
Buhay ay langit sa piling mo,
Aming ligaya na pag may mang-aapi,
Ang mamatay ng dahil sa iyo.

----------------------------

Pattaya Vacation, July 2010

Things aren't great, but that's still no reason to simply not do anything about how life goes for us. Rather than give in to the easy downward spiral of resignation, Little Nio and I have decided to take a road trip and a vacation in Pattaya — a father and son outing that will help reinforce the bond between us. If I'm going to be a father to my son, I suppose I have to put in the time. There was a long weekend break due to a public holiday, and it was a terrific opportunity to get away.



Here we are ready to start our drive early in the morning. With several free-night vouchers and a good membership card to a chain of hotels, it wasn't too difficult to find a hotel destination that would be clean, safe and inexpensive. Too bad you can only use one voucher at a time.



Not enough time for a decent breakfast at home, Little Nio takes a bottle of milk formula on the road with us. We've slowly started weaning him away from the bottle.

According to Dr. Spock one way to do this is to alter the ratio or formulation. By weakening the potency of the mix the child is slowly made to turn to other types of food and drink for sustenance. It used to be a 1:1 ratio of formula to water, but now we've reduced it to 1:4.

My father says that Little Nio will give up the bottle when he's good and ready. No point in stressing over it. The milk formula he's been drinking since he was a little baby has done him a world of good.



The open road. Driving along the elevated toll way road to Chonburi province. Even though the roads are great, we try to keep our speed to a maximum of 120 kph. It's an easy drive this early in the morning with fairly light traffic. Our first destination will be the Sriracha Tiger Zoo in Chonburi province, which is roughly 85% of the way to Pattaya, roughly another 20 minutes driving.





Here we are taking a rest stop at a fuel station with a convenience store for a quick bite to eat. After some real food, Little Nio decides that a popsicle is a well deserved breakfast dessert.



Arriving at the Tiger Zoo, Little Nio is excited about all the many options and does a funny dance near the entrance. My son is a real character and he is very funny.

The entrance fee is 300 THB for adults and 250 THB for children. The rates are different for foreigners, but fortunately my accent and grasp of the language is passable.





Tigers are one of Little Nio's all time favorite animals. When I dressed him up in his tiger shirt and then he saw the real tigers he made the connection instantly. He was very excited, pointing to the tiger on his belly and exclaiming that they were the "same" as the large cats behind the glass. He kept pointing to them and exclaiming "big ti-yer". He hasn't quite mastered the hard "g" sound yet, but we're working on it.



Crocodiles are another of Little Nio's favorite animals and seeing these life size sculptures gave him the shudders. A curious but reserved distance. He watches the Animal Planet channel so he has a healthy respect for wild animals and what they are capable of doing.



Little Nio points to the baby crocodiles kept behind a glass enclosure. He spent a few minutes watching them move around in the water.



He was absolutely delighted with the young deer. The young fawns were all at the feeding trough when we walked up to their pen, but it was good there was another one at a petting station we visited later on.



Little Nio kept a very respectful distance from the elephants at the zoo. I've seen way too many freak accident videos to want him any closer than this, specially without any kind of barriers or fencing. Not his first time to see elephants, so he wasn't too impressed.



He was fascinated by the orangutans wearing tee-shirts, but not so much that he would get close or sit with them.



Here's Little Nio making friends with one of the baby deer. We spent almost half a hour here with this little faun. I tried to teach him the word "deer" and "fawn", but he kept insisting that he call the little deer, "friend".





Here he is feeding the baby tigers. I have very confused feelings about this. On one hand, I am delighted that my son has the opportunity to find out first hand about wild animals in a controlled environment. But, on the other hand, because of the terrible conditions I cannot help feel that this is very cruel to the animals. I am not sure what the options are, but having seen this first hand I do not think that this is best for the animals.







These photos were taken at the crocodile show. I'm ambivalent about cruelty to crocodiles. I suppose it's because they're cold blooded killers and I have watched them inflict so much harm on all other species. With a show like this one, I figure that the crocodiles have a pretty good opportunity to vent any grievances they might have.





Ironically, just outside the crocodile show arena was a stall selling crocodile satay. Naturally we had to try it. It's like a funny mix between fish and chicken. Interesting, but not as palatable as frog's legs for example. Not exactly our idea of yummy.



Little Nio drinks some refreshing coconut water to help wash down the taste of deep fried reptile.



And of course an ice cream to make sure that there's no after taste.



We finally arrived at our hotel, the Hotel Ibis Pattaya at around one in the afternoon. After checking in and gathering up all our gear we went to settle in to our tiny hotel room. While his daddy was putting things away and preparing his bath, Little Nio jumps in bed to try out the mattress and bed linen.





After a nice warm shower and a fresh change of clothes, Little Nio goes down for a late lunch at the hotel restaurant. Fortunately they are serving his favorite "khao pad moo", or fried rice with pork, with an extra order of "phorpiya thort", or fried spring rolls.



Having eaten and walked around the hotel a bit, Little Nio retires back to the hotel room for a bottle of formula milk and a power nap. He slept for a little over two hours and got a fresh boost of energy for the rest of the day. I sometimes wish that I could still take a power nap like that in the middle of the day.



Arriving at Central Festival Pattaya for the very first time ever. Little Nio strikes a pose at the entrance to the mall from the parking area. As always, he's got his trusty white hard hat on. Not so much for safety, but you can't really be sure you'll never need it.



Our timing for a visit here is perfect as we fortunately timed it with an awesome Ice Cream Festival. More than twenty different ice cream, sorbet and gellato stalls set up shop to sell their delicious goods. Little Nio was definitely up to the challenge of tasting a few of the goodies on display.



Here's Little Nio meeting up with Khun Jiew, Daddy's officemate. Her family owns property in Pattaya, and every long weekend she makes it a point to visit here. This long weekend gave Little Nio an opportunity to spend a bit of time with her. Here he is working on a bit of coloring at the Ice Cream Festival.



One of the fun things we did together is that Little Nio and I went to watch the movie, "Despicable Me" in 3D at the cinema there.

We got tickets for a nice big sofa seat, bought a soda, a bottle of water and a bag of popcorn and had ourselves a grand time. I spent half of the time watching in gob smacked fascination as my son was reacting to the animated film.

He laughed in all the right places, got anxious during a chase scene and incessantly kept asking me "what happening, Dad?" when he couldn't follow the plot. I need to reassure him, "don't worry, son, your dad looses the plot quite frequently so there's nothing to trouble you on that account."



Here's Little Nio enjoying dinner at Hachiban Ramen after the movie. Nothing like a tasty bowl of Japanese style fried rice to settle a hungry little tummy. This is one of our favorite restaurants as the food is clean, nutritious and tasty, the portions are generous, and the price is fairly reasonable. Plus the service is quick and very efficient.



Dinner was great and Little Nio was looking around for a nice dessert when he spotted this giant ice cream cone. It was part of a display for an Italian restaurant, but was fortunately not on the menu and definitely inedible.



We tried leaving the mall, but after seeing the long queue out the down ramp we decided to spend a bit of time on the arcade rides. After half a dozen rides and a handful of games we bid the mall goodbye and drove back to our hotel.





All dressed up and ready to start another day of vacation.



Breakfast along beach road.














Exploring the beach.





Back on dry land getting the sand out of his shoes.



Back in the mall.



Drawing.



Funny smile.







Arcade rides.



F-22 Raptor.



"The Sorcerer's Apprentice"





Bar Italia.



Spaghetti carbonara.



Early morning download.



Leaving the Hotel Ibis.



Stopping for breakfast.



One for the road home.